In a column containing 543 words of gibberish and twaddle, Fabi railed against a bill being considered in the Florida Legislature that would forbid schools from disciplining students who fashion food products into fake guns.
"House Bill 7029," Fabi writes, "sponsored by Rep. Dennis Baxley - R-Ocala is all too real. It takes aim at the zero-tolerance for weapons policy that schools adopted in light of the deadly school shootings throughout the nation. If it becomes law, it will prevent children from being disciplined for playing with simulated weapons on campus."
H.B. 7029 - otherwise known as the "Pop Tart bill" - was introduced in response to a 2013 incident at a Maryland school where a 7 year-old boy was suspended for two days after he chewed a breakfast pastry into the shape of a gun. (See video above.)
Fabi sees the Florida bill as an attempt to "[take] away the ability of teachers and administrators to discipline — and to potentially get a troubled kid the help he or she needs..."
"Leave it to Florida legislators," she writes, "to think that obsessive doodling of guns on a notebook, wearing a T-shirt boasting about the power of guns, or taking aim at a classmate or a teacher with your finger shaped like a gun is appropriate behavior."
The bill, of course, is not designed to prevent school administrators from helping - to use Fabi's words - "troubled kids."
Rather, it's intended to protect kids from school administrators - and idiots like you, Fabi - who would use non-sensical, zero-tolerance policies to punish students for innocent childhood behavior.
After the Maryland incident, school administrators sent this this letter home with students that read, in part:
During breakfast this morning, one of our students used food to make inappropriate gestures that disrupted the class.
If your children express that they are troubled by today's incident, please talk with them and help them share their feelings. Our school counselor is available to meet with any students who have the need to do so next week.
You read that right. The people who run the Maryland school, actually offered counseling to any child who may have been emotionally-scarred after seeing 7 year-old Josh Welch - yes, that's his name - gnaw a Pop Tart into the shape of a gun.
Is it any wonder countless kids in this country are so f**ked-up after spending a majority of their young lives in the Kafkaesque world of the American school system?
Fabi ends her column with what is, quite possibly, one of the most idiotic lines ever published in an American newspaper: "How sweet it is to rest our heads on a pillow at night knowing that the next generation of gun enthusiasts will be lovingly nurtured by our teachers and principals."
Sorry, Fabi, the fact that a kid points a half-eaten Pop Tart at a classmate is not a predictor that he will grow up to be a "gun enthusiast," any more than it's likely that an impressionable child who reads your column twice a week will grow up to be an imbecile. (But just to be on the safe side, parents, better keep the Herald away from the young 'uns.)
Now if the bill doesn't pass, and school officials aren't prohibited from yanking students out of class for fashioning guns out of toaster strudel, there's still one option left for any kid with a rebellious streak.
He can always say, "Hey, it's not a gun, I was just making a map of Florida for civics class."