Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Random Pixels proudly presents the (first ever) 'Helpful Tips for First-time Armed Robbers and Wanna-be Thugs'

OK, so this happened today in Miami.

An armed robber decided to jack a Starbucks on 68th Street and Biscayne Blvd. just before 7am this morning.

He then fled in a car and led police on a high-speed chase on I-95 that ended when he crashed near 153rd Street where I-95 meets the Florida Turnpike.

Luckily, a news chopper was in the area and caught this criminal genius's attempted escape on video.

A thorough analysis of the videotape reveals that this suspect committed numerous mistakes as he fled the police.

So, with that in mind, Random Pixels unveils the Inaugural Edition of "Helpful Tips for First-time Armed Robbers and Wanna-be Thugs."
#1: Dress appropriately and think ahead. Remember that after you rob your victim, at some point you may find yourself running from the po-po. So make sure you're wearing the right kind of running shoes. Also, pull up your f**king pants. (I'll have more to say on why this is so important later on in this post.)

#2: If you're going to be using a car to make your getaway, make sure it's in good running condition and that it has properly inflated tires and a full tank of gas. (Here's what happens when you go out on a job with an empty tank.)

Also, if you do plan to use a car, make sure you know how to drive at high speeds. Better yet, make sure you know how to drive. It's also a good idea to have an escape route mapped out ahead of time.

#3: Now, if, while making your getaway, things don't go as planned and you crash your car, take a second to cram the cash in your pockets so that when you encounter a fence or other obstacles, you'll have both hands free. Also running down the street with wads of cash in your hands makes you look like a dumb ass on TV, not to mention, suspicious.

UPDATED at 12:05pm: In the WSVN video at the 1:00 mark, the suspect confronts a woman outside her home. Local 10 just reported that the thug demanded the keys to her car but when she saw that both his hands were occupied - one holding the cash and the other holding up his pants - she surmised he wasn't much of a threat and decided not to comply. 

#4: And the advice I gave in #1? The part about pulling up your pants? Watch the WSVN video at 0:46 for the reason why this is so important.

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