Thursday, December 29, 2016

Jerry Iannelli of Miami New Times has figured out why so much bizarre behavior originates in Florida

Jerry Iannelli of Miami New Times is the paper's "daily news reporter."

According to his bio he moved to South Florida in 2015.

But in that short time, he's managed to solve a mystery that has bewildered Sunshine State journalists for decades: Why does so much bizarre behavior seem to originate in Florida?

When two South Florida-related post-Christmas fight videos popped up on the Internet today, Iannelli immediately knew who to blame: "Harry the meth snake."
Most people don't know this, but Florida has its very own version of Santa. Some know him only by the choking, smog-like mist that shrouds him whenever he appears or by the warm scent of stale Coors Light that wafts through the air when he's especially close. Those who have seen the deity's physical form typically refer to him by one name: Harry the Meth Snake.

Unlike Santa, Harry the Meth Snake, who is made equally of meth and snake, works year-round. He does not deal in physical gifts — instead, Harry the Meth Snake flies from town to town, pumping Floridians full of coke, alcohol, and amphetamines and goading them into doing dumb shit in front of video cameras.

Harry does put in a bit of extra oomph around the holidays, perhaps in a goodnatured competition with Santa Claus. Take, for instance, this year: The Florida gift-giving gods have bestowed upon us not one, but two delicious Miami fistfight videos in a single December day.

It's almost impossible to decide which of these clips better represents the state of Florida.

The first, posted yesterday evening, depicts an employee at a Steve Madden store at Sawgrass Mills walloping a Swiss tourist who demanded to enter a closed store and then dumped a bottle of water on her. The Swiss woman, who quite clearly instigated the fight, then shouts, "I am going to sue youuu!" in an accent so comedically French she could pose as Inspector Clouseau's aunt in a Pink Panther reboot.

Great work, Jerry. Your parents must be very proud.

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