"I'm pretty certain, though, that Ms. James is probably a very lovely lady when she's sober. This morning, she was not so much." -Wayne Jones, of the Miami Beach Police Department, talking about the arrest of Lebron James' mother
"[Donald Trump] says he can't run [for president] 'cause he has the number one rated show on NBC...which is kinda like having the nicest house in Haiti. It's not that impressive." -Jimmy Kimmel
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